one thing I've been meaning to say

Photo

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 19:34:01 -0400

Things today has taught me

Sat, 02 Feb 2013 00:28:40 -0500

I have some of the most amazing friends a person has ever asked for. Talking to Vanessa made me seriously realize that they are the reason why I’ve survived as long as I have through everything that I’ve been through. Honestly, they’re there to keep me sane when I feel like I’m being crazy. They straighten me out when I’m being ridiculous, and they’re there to pick me up when I’m too weak or tired to keep myself going. Being able to sit and talk with them about pretty much anything is something a lot of people probably take for granted but I couldn’t ever do that. These people are my perfect family and honestly mean the absolute world to me. It would take me more years than I could ever wish for to pay them back for everything they’ve done for me.
In the past couple of years I’ve grown so much and I never took the time to realize it and appreciate how far I’ve come. Looking back to where I was 5, 3 and even a year ago, I can proudly say I’m happy with who I’m growing to be. It’s taken me a really long time and a lot of events to be even slightly happy with myself and how I am on a day to day basis. Younger me was so naive and dependent on people, and yeah there’s a ton of reasons why that might be but realistically I could have helped myself so much in past situations if only I had realized it. Today’s me is so strong when it comes to certain things and she’s really becoming more balanced than I ever thought possible. I’m able to push myself to new limits, mentally and physically, without fully breaking or giving up. I now know when to just let things take their own course instead of trying to get myself involved to the point where it hurts me. Above all, I know when to give myself a break and when to ask for help when I need it. It’s terrifying to stop and look back at what life has thrown at me and how I used to handle it and how I handle it now. Maybe that’s been the plan for me all along, to take all these hits in order to make me grow resilient and capable. Emotionally, I’m still vulnerable and I can be weak sometimes but I think that’s just part of being human; we can’t always be strong and we can’t always stand on our own.

Going through my Media Industries and Institutions reading I discovered this quote and I don’t want to let it go and it fits here so yeah, I’m leaving it here.
”Desire for a socially cohesive society reflects a wish to recover some presumed lost state of innocence and harmony - a nostalgia for the comforts and securities of a past, or an imagined past, since lost.”

I think my main issue with everything is that I don’t like where I’m at right now in so...

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 00:23:27 -0500

I think my main issue with everything is that I don’t like where I’m at right now in so many different aspects.
Honestly, I’m not happy in Ottawa, being stuck at Carleton. I’m not happy with the friends I have here and I’m not happy with myself. How the hell am I supposed to find someone else to make me happy, who I can make happy, when I, myself, am finding this near impossible. Sometimes I just want to give up, pack everything up and just go somewhere warm and sunny and amazing.

Boredome

Sun, 02 Dec 2012 02:21:48 -0500

1. Are you really ready for 111 questions?
yeah
2. Was your last relationship a mistake?
no
3. Do you miss your last relationship?
no
4. Who did you last say “I love you” to?
my dad or mom
5. Do you regret it?
obviously not
6. Have you ever been depressed?
yes
7. Are you a boy or a girl?
girl
8. Are you insecure?
at times
9. What is your relationship status?
single
10. How do you want to die?
after I’ve done everything I want…but hopefully in my sleep
11. What did you last eat?
pie…I’m a fatass
12. Played any sports?
yeah
13. Do you bite your nails?
sometimes
14. When was your last physical fight?

honestly don’t remember
15. Do you have an attitude?
yeah
16. Do you like someone?
no
17. What is your real name?
Kaylene
18. Ever smoked or drank?
yeah
19. Are you gonna get high later?
no
20. Do you hate anyone at the moment?
not at this moment
21. Do you miss someone?
yes yes yes yes
22. Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
uhm twirl
23. Do you tan a lot?
in the summer
24. Have any pets?
bien oui
25. How exactly are you feeling?
exhausted and annoyed, slightly stressed
26. Ever eaten in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
who hasn’t?
27. Ever make out in a bathroom?
yeah
28. Would you take any of your exes back?
I don’t think so, it wouldn’t be a smart idea
29. Are you scared of spiders?
not so much scared as grossed out
30. Would you go back in time if you were given the opportunity?
only to experience LoL again
31. Do you regret anything from your past?
hate to say it but yes
32. What are your plans for this weekend?
finish my papers
33. Do you want kids?
I think so?
34. Have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with an M?
mhm..
35. Do you type fast?
yeah
36. Do you have piercings? How many?
3 in each ear.
37. Want any more?
no, my body reject them too often to want more
38. Can you spell well?
yes, I can
39. Do you miss anyone from your past?
yes
40. What are you craving right now?
sleep, and Christmas break and Wild Wings
41. Ever been to a bonfire party?
miss them

42. Do you have any siblings? How many?
1 step brother
43. Have you ever been on a horse?
yup
44. Have you ever kissed someone in a pickup truck?
yeah
45. Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
yes
46. Have you ever been cheated on?
yes
47. Have you ever made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
yes
48. Are you thinking of someone right now?
Ed Sheeran :D
49. Would you live with someone without marrying them?
yeah
50. What should you be doing?
sleeping
51. What’s irritating you right now?
exam season
52. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurt?
yes, but I was also young and irrational and, frankly, stupid.
53. Does somebody love you?
my friends and family do
54. What is your favorite color?
red
55. Have you ever changed in a vehicle?
yes
56. Milk chocolate or white chocolate?
Milk, white in some baking
57. Do you have trust issues?
depends on the situation
58. Moms name?
Sandy
59. Dads name?
Don
60. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Much better with my mom than my dad, but they’ve both improved from when I was younger
61. What’s been your longest relationship?
3 years

62. Do you think your most recent ex thinks about you?
we’re friends, not in any way other than that.
63. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
momma bear
64. Do you give out second chances too easily?
I used to
65. Is it easier to forgive or forget?
forgive
66. Is this year the best year of your life?
it’s been good, but I feel like there’s better to be had
67. What was your childhood nick name?
Kay
68. Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
god no
69. Favorite food?
……everything
70. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
yes
71. What was the last thing you did before going to bed last night?
put my laptop on the floor
72. Did you have a dream last night?
I don’t think so

73. What is bothering you?
how tired I am
74. Have you ever been outside of state?
outside of province
75. Do you play the Wii?
only if it’s for Mario Kart
76. Are you listening to music right now?
Ed Sheeran
77. Do you like Chinese food?
IN MY STOMACH NOW
78. Do you know your fathers birthday?
yah
79. Are you afraid of the dark?
if I’m home alone, yes
80. Is cheating ever ok?
no.
81. Are you mean?
Sometimes, yes
82. Can you keep white shoes clean?
no
83. How many people have you fist fought?
1
84. Do you believe in true love?
I believe that it exists in the world
85. Favorite weather?
warm and sun
86. Do you like the snow?
yeah! not to drive in though
87. Does it snow a lot where you live?
yuuuuup
88. Do you like the outside?
yeah
89. Are you currently bored?
slightly
90. Do you wanna get married?
eventually
91. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
I like babe better
92. Are you hungry?
nah
93. Have you ever made out for a half hour straight?
…no? da fuq
94. What makes you happy?
music, my friends and family, my pets, the gym
95. Would you change your name?
no
96. Ever been to Alaska?
no
97. Ever been to Hawaii?
not yet
98. Do you watch the news?
sometimes
99. What’s your zodiac sign?
cancer
100. Do you like Subway?
yes
101. Would it be hard to kiss the last person you have kissed?
hard in what sense? not really
102. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
….sight lol I don’t know
103. Do you talk to your friends?
this question is stupid
104. Why did you decide to do this quiz?
I’m procrastinating
105. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely tried to avoid them?
my life while on campus
106. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can completely be yourself around?
a couple
107. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
Daniel
108. Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
if they are a heavy smoker I wouldn’t like it, occasionally is fine.
109. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Steph
110. Favorite lyrics right now?
“and my father said, don’t you worry child. Don’t you worry child, see heaven’s got a plan for you”
111. Can you count to one million?

Probably not

I'm about to type this up in class but honestly I don't care, it's just a continuation on last night's rant.

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 18:13:31 -0500

Thank god I finally feel like a huge puzzle has been solved compared to last night, just slight relief and I feel like I know what I need to get done now. Looking back at everything I’ve written on her before it’s always been at my lowest points, the only positive point was still over the same topic. I think what’s wrong with me is that I thrive off relationships, and not even just romantic ones. Stereotypical statement I know, but I am a Cancer to a fucking T it’s so stupid. I just want people to be around me all the time and I’d honestly put everything I have to make sure everyone else is happy over my own happiness.

What’s hard on top of all this stuff is that I’m so hard on myself and I think that’s where all this fear stems from. There are literally so many things that I want to do and I feel like I have no time or resources to do it. If I fail myself I don’t even know what I’m going to do. Maybe that’s why I always want someone around, because then at least I have something to fall back on. I’m scared of failing and ending up alone.

Life isn’t about depending on other people and I know that. I’d just much rather deal with other people than having to deal with myself.

Sidenote;

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 01:19:48 -0500

I am proud of myself for my accomplishments on my body. Thank god I have one thing I can control, albeit quite slowly.

Exam stress and changing my perspective.

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 01:14:50 -0500

I’m going to just straight up and admit that the Pete weekend was a disappointment, might as well just type it out so I can accept it. It’s so hard to have an idea, a perfect situation in your head and then have reality smash it to pieces. Then again though I feel like that’s always a huge occurrence in my life; things seem fine and dandy in my head but then real life decides to turn around and just laugh in my face. Obviously I don’t mean all the time because god damn it I’m lucky for so many things that I have in my life but sometimes things just absolutely suck and writing and venting just makes me feel so much better.

Have you ever missed or liked the idea of someone and not the actual person themselves? It’s probably one of the absolute worst situations and ties right back in to this damn convincing myself compared to life. Daniel, perfect in theory, confused as fuck in reality. Another case which I’m absolutely going to hate myself for admitting and fuck I hate even more that it exists, Mark. Blah blah blah to whatever anyone could say about it but I don’t miss him or care about him as a person, I miss what he was to me and the only reason I pull him up is because he was the last of that “idea” that I had. I miss having someone there who cares about you and gives you forehead kisses and cuddles with you and can’t contain themselves while you’re cuddled trying to watch a movie and it turns into sex.

It just ties in to what I’m scared for most in life. Screw the whole, “you’re only 20”. I know that, but then again I also know that within 5 years people will be married, having kids, off doing meaningful things with their lives, hell even if they haven’t they’ll have probably done something cool. What’s worse is that it’s already happening, talking about the future is already here and it’s so depressing for me. Mind you I’m absolutely ecstatic for my friends because honestly they’ve done more for me than they’ll ever know and I want the world and universe for them but it’s also scary. They’ve got their lives figured out in ways I don’t and yes, that makes me want to push even harder to get what I want, but it also makes me wonder what will happen to me in the future. I’m completely aware that the future is supposed to be a mystery and something exciting and unknown but honestly I don’t play that way. I worry and I get scared and then theorize things that will probably never happen. Honestly it would be so much easier if I didn’t feel like I was going it almost alone. Maybe I just need to go somewhere and be someone else for a little bit but who knows, my focus is just ripped everywhere right now and maybe the part of that focus that should be on meeting a guy needs to be on my sanity; whatever my sanity even is.

As often as I say this, I wish I had just one sign. A simple sign to say, “you’ll really be okay I promise, just look at this glimpse of you in 5 years accomplishing that thing you really wanted 5 years ago.” There are so many things I want for myself but at the same time I don’t want to disappoint myself because I’m the hardest person on myself. Give me someone to even me out, someone who challenges me and makes me better than I am…

Give me a new place that will give me a perspective that works in every aspect.

Giver me all that, and make sure I always have my mom, who is my rock and I could never survive without. Mommy, thank you for everything you’ve done for me lately and I love you more than you could ever know.

danigirl90: mnzxcvbnbmn: the-2nd-star-to-the-right: lotoflivin...

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 01:01:49 -0500

danigirl90:

mnzxcvbnbmn:

the-2nd-star-to-the-right:

lotoflivingtodo:

screamflydream:

LANA DEL REY // RIHANNA
BORN TO DIE // RUSSIAN ROULETTE.

They mash so well, holy fuck. Beautiful.

heLP ME

what in the actual fuck!? This is truly incredible. Even lyrically they mesh so well. MIND IS OFFICIALLY BLOWNNNNN

oh my ears….

so amazing!!!!

saritadolcevita: IT’S FUNNY IF YOU THINK THAT HE’S ONE OF THE...

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 15:17:59 -0500

saritadolcevita:

IT’S FUNNY IF YOU THINK THAT HE’S ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT DEEJAYS ALL OVER THE WORLD, AND HE’S SUCH A SWEET AND CHARMING DAD TOO. AXWELL ;D

Boredom

Sun, 12 Aug 2012 15:51:30 -0400

1. What is your best friends name?
Vanessa or Daniel

2. What color underwear/boxers wearing now?
grey

3. What are you listening to right now?
Awkward

4. Whats your favorite number?
21 or 40

5. What was the last thing you ate?
a carrot

6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
red
7. How is the weather right now?
bipolar
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
dad
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
eyes
10. Do you have a significant other?
no
11. Favorite TV show?
Suits, True Blood, Pretty Little Liars, Game of Thrones
12. Siblings?
step brother
13. Height?
5’3
14. Hair color?
dark brownish reddish
15. Eye Color?
brown with some green
16. Do you wear contacts?
nope
17. Favorite Holiday?
Christmas
18. Month?
July
19. Have you ever cried for no reason?
yeah
20. What was the last movie you watched?
Batman I think
21. Favorite Day of the Year?
no idea
22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
yeah
23. Can you do a headstand (not using the wall)?
yeah
24. Hugs or Kisses?
ouuuf I could not chose
25. Chocolate or Vanilla?
honestly depends on my mood
26. Do you want your friends to respond to this?
no one will see this
27. Who is most likely to respond to a text from you?
Daniel
28. Who is least likely to respond to a text from you?
uhhhhh lol….people I don’t talk to usually?
29. What books are you reading?
none, but I need to fix this
30. Piercings?
Ears 3x each
31. Favorite movies?
The Italian Job, Batman
32. Favorite football Team?
-____-’ I need to pick a new team
33. What are you doing right now?
catching up on Awkward
34. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?
butter
37. Dogs or cats?
both
38. Favorite flower?
honestly don’t have one
39. Been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to do?
yup
40. Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex?
favourite person <3
41. Have you ever loved someone?
I love my friends and family
42. Who would you like to see right now?
a couple people
43. Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?
some
44. Have you ever fired a gun?
no
45. Do you like to travel by plane?
actually yes
46. Do you eat Right-handed or Left-handed?
right
47. How many pillows do you sleep with?
two
48. Are you missing someone?
not really

Goals for tomorrow:

Tue, 22 May 2012 00:16:04 -0400

don’t text first
don’t tweet, at all.

As per usual,

Thu, 17 May 2012 23:33:56 -0400

I said something stupid and awkward and regret it. Vanessa purely called it. Damn that woman for always being right…I’ll just back away for a bit now.

Things can change so fast, you blink and nothing's the same anymore.

Sun, 13 May 2012 22:21:51 -0400

After going through all the bullshit and ups and downs it seems like I’ve finally foundyou. It terrifies me because I’m still so unsure and going in fully head first. Usually I’m so conservative about things but for some reason this feels so different. I’m 100% not used to a guy actually seem to genuinely like me. You thought I was asleep last night and kept holding my hand and if you knew how brutal the butterflies were in my stomach you would just laugh at me. Honestly though it makes me so happy and hopeful, that maybe you can actually show me something different. So far things have seemed nice and almost worthwhile but I seriously don’t want to jinx it. This much respect and honesty has to lead to something good and real right? I’m just worried because I swear that’s what I’m programmed to do, my mind goes to the worst case in the best situations. All you do is spoil me and I’m slowly adjusting to that. The funniest part is that no one would think this is spoiling but to me it is. To me it’s the smallest things that make me the happiest. So for that, thank you. Hopefully this can keep going.

zoeyh2000: Better Than I Used To Be, Tim McGraw

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 15:42:54 -0400

zoeyh2000:

Better Than I Used To Be, Tim McGraw

please help me figure this out

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 12:39:54 -0400

please help me figure this out

Personal list of things that need to get done this week.

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 23:48:01 -0400

Get the cheque for Vanessa’s mom for Cuba money
Strategy Report due Thursday before 11:59
French oral exam @ 6:35
Work on my music make-up paper since it’s due Monday
Saturday shift 4-close…thank god I work with people I like
Gym every single god damn day to get in shape for Cuba
EAT HEALTHY, SAY NO TO CARBS

osailor: Got my brain in a daze, I wish you weren’t in it....

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 19:41:09 -0400

osailor:

Got my brain in a daze, I wish you weren’t in it. There are so many ways to lose your attention.

This class.

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 09:31:58 -0400

There’s no one even here today making me regret getting out of bed even more. She’s a horrible prof who can literally keep no one’s attention. There was some guy sitting there fully gaming no shame, there’s a girl playing Tetris and she was playing Fruit Ninja earlier and then there’s me sitting on Tumblr just generally not giving a fuck. Also the fact that this prof feels the need to wear all one colour is just…no. If only your teaching was as bright as your hideous clothing I’d actually pay attention. Fuck first year courses and their dumb ass profs. I want to go get my hair cut and stuff.

Confession Post Numero Uno

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 20:57:50 -0400

So I’m home alone while my dad, his girlfriend and her two daughters are on a cruise for March Break. Technically, I’ve had the house to myself since Thursday night which means tonight will be my fourth night with this house. It sucks and to think I have another five nights to go makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. On one side it’s good because I’m actually such a mature daughter, I know I’m 20 and everything and it’s expected but the house is pretty much spotless, the dishes are done and laundry has been kept up to date. I know 100% I’ll be perfectly fine when I have to move out and live on my own, that doesn’t worry me in the slightest. What Istrongly dislikeis how lonely I am. I have the animals to look after and they’re good at making me feel not completely alone but I’m lonely. It’s times like this where I wish I had a boyfriend or even friends that lived close. I can honestly say that I wish I had someone who would stay with me and watch movies and cuddle and someone that I could fool around with whenever the mood strikes. This is the longest I’ve stayed fully single in a while and I can honestly say I don’t like it that much. No, I don’t need someone to be happy but it would definitely help right about now. Just even a hug and a kiss would be amazing. Maybe everything would be easier if I had no feelings for anyone, I guess this just sucks.

Photo

Tue, 06 Mar 2012 14:04:42 -0500